label and friends

i am already twenty-nine, but i still struggle to find a true friend. i think i have shared about this several times on facebook status, not to ask for a friend, or to pity myself to be befriended by others. i was in grade six when i accidentally read the formal theme book of someone i considered a friend or best friend. it was towards the end of the school year then. we were assigned as a group to clean the classroom. it felt like it was "for the last time" cleaning. while rummaging through various papers in the teacher's boxes, i saw the thin and fortunate blue booklet, the formal theme book. there were two colors. english was blue, and filipino was green. i opened the formal theme book and looked for the last entry. the title was "my bestfriend."

the feelings are still fresh to me from that time when i wrote in my own formal theme book. i mentioned who my best friend was there, and how happy i was to have them as a friend. i also shared a lot of things.

i read the entry of my supposed best friend. and they mentioned who their best friend was. and it wasn't me. tears welled up in my eyes. i can't remember exactly what i did, but i still remember the pain in my heart after reading their entry.

i think i've learned not to label anyone as a "friend" throughout the past years. i repeatedly ask myself what my criteria are for a true friend, an acquaintance, a coworker. is there a checklist for that? because if there is, i'm ready to buy it.

it might be called trauma for me. that's why i don't have anyone i can call a fRIend. acquaintances, yes, many. did i make a mistake? did i assume too much? did i just feeL too much? so, wrong. that just because you taLk to someone once, you can't immediately call them a friend. even if you've talked for a long time, shared memories, it still doesn't make them a friend. so, how? who will say that you are friends? who will give that label then?